Suzanne Chang

Somebody to love..
Before I go on, I have a confession to make. I fell for a girl and her name is Suzanne. But today, the day I realize it, is also the day I 'broke up' with her.

The pain that persist..
They say if you are stressed, shout yourself out and you'll feel better. I tried.. I sent Suzanne one SMS, one Facebook message, one Facebook status and also one Open Letter. Now, I even blog about it. I did all that yet I don't feel any better.

Heart broken..
Today, I got to feel it again. The feeling of being heart broken.

Flashback..
A few days ago, I sent Suzanne an SMS. I asked her if she still has that feelings for me. She did not reply and I sent her another one saying if she says yes, I'd probably have asked her to be my girlfriend.

Today..
Today, she replied to both. She said "I thought we made a deal a long long time ago that we will be friends only". I struggled and flipped through the memory book, 'looking' for the 'deal'.

Then I found it. "We will be friends for now". I supposed that's it. 'For now'. I said/agreed to it at that time because I am not sure where will Suzanne be deployed to. I don't want to bound her into a distanced relationship. The hardest relationship to keep alive. The relationship that tests couples in every aspect, only to cause them nightmare that will haunt them even if they do make it to marriage. I made/agreed to the deal, because I am trying to protect Suzanne.

Sure, I told her that today. Not once but a couple of times. I tried to get her to give me a chance. Even if she wants me to start all over again, I'll do it. Because I know now, not only I have feelings for her but I fell for her.

It's too late to say that now because to say that is merely making excuse. I did a mistake. I want to correct it and so I pleaded for a chance. 'A' as in one chance.

Nobody can describe how I feel now. No word can describe it. Regret? Despair? Broken? I don't know which one to use. It's a mixed up feeling. It's definitely not a nice feeling. That's for sure.

It's my sister's wedding and the banquet is coming soon. I have to help her with the preparations and I have to show that smile to everyone as if I am very happy. This is my first time having to smile when I am not happy. It will be hard to do that I am sure. I will have to be a good faker to do that well.

I am still waiting for my plea to be heard. To be honest, I don't think Suzanne will be giving me any chance. Not to say she is cruel, but she is a person who sticks by her decision. I really hope this can be an exception.

All my ex knows that at some point, I told them they are special. But Suzanne is special in so many ways. I would have truly lost someone very precious if I am to lose her.